Friday, June 27, 2008

my story part 3

i know that i missed quite a bit of baby#2's baby-hood. i was in a funk. there are less pictures of him during that time. less journaling. to be completely honest, i don't remember a lot of his first year. that's why i rely on family to tell me stories and share their pictures with me. because i don't want him to ever think for even one second that i don't love him as much as i love his siblings. he is a blessing in so many ways. he is full of life (or, as my grandma would say, piss and vinegar). he sees adventure where others don' simple everyday events and outings. he sees the world with eyes full of amazement and wonder. he is captain adventure. read part 2

i started feeling overwhelmed in may and didn't ask for help until september, when i completely fell apart. (yeah, i'm a control freak...and i have a hard time asking for help when i need it. shhh!) i took another almost ten weeks off of work at that i could put myself first for a while and learn how to cope.

after i went back to work, things were never the same there for me. there were people who always supported me. but, there were also people who didn't. it didn't take long for me to realize that where i worked was a place that was sucking my life and my spirit from me. the atmosphere was one of back-stabbers and people trying to keep themselves afloat...looking out for themselves and no one else.

anyway, i worked through the winter and tried to figure out what to do about working at a place where i didn't really want to be...a place i didn't believe in anymore. in early march, we found out that mr husband had earned a promotion with a substantial raise...we talked about it...and i quit. my intention was to stay home for that summer and start looking for a new job when the kids went back to school...

however, in june, when i found out i was pregnant again, plans changed. when i saw the positive pregnancy test, i wasn't sure how i'd tell mr husband...we'd been talking and he wasn't so sure he wanted to have more kids. the conversation went something like this...

mr husband: what would you say to moving to north carolina in february

me: what would you say to having a baby in february?

mr. husband: well, once we move and get settled, we could talk about it.

me: um, no, that's not what i mean. what would you say to having a baby in

mr. husband: (silent. mouth open, eyes wide, look of utter shock)

me: i'm pregnant.

mr. husband: (smiles) really? how did this happen?

me: uh, what?

we were so excited! it wasn't exactly what you would call a planned pregnancy, but it certainly was not unwanted.

i was worried about post-partum depression again. looking back, i suppose that i did experience it again after baby #3...not anywhere near the extent of what i felt after baby #2...and it went away within a few weeks. so, in the end, i worried for nothing. just because i had a horrible experience after one baby, that doesn't mean i always will.

i'm happy to report that aside from the occasional feeling of being on the verge of a melt-down, i feel pretty good. i don't take anything anymore. that all stopped a while before i was pregnant again. i'm not the best patient in the universe...i think i know better than the doctors...

i don't have a history of being a good pill taker and when i'm feeling better i tend to stop taking the pills. that's always been a problem of mine. sometimes mental un-health can be a chronic condition...sometimes medication is needed forever. i suppose that i would do that if i had to. but, i'd probably fight it tooth and nail. i like to feel like i'm in control. and if i'm depending on something else, then i'm not in control. (i can rationalize anything...just ask.)

i like to be in control. sometimes that works out for me. sometimes not. it is what it is.