not for the faint at heart (seriously)

i am totally addicted to reading dooce
i like her style. she's an amazing writer. she also has mad photog skills.
so, anyway, she recently wrote a post with a link to a news story from florida. i will warn you...this story involves a disgusting case of child abuse and neglect. however, it is an amazing story.
here's the link to heather's post

and, seriously, go hug your kids.

check it out!

hi there. this month's root & sprout was just published. i'm in it. i know, i know...you don't believe me. but, it's true. check it out for yourself. click on the link and scroll down to the last article, loosening the reins. that's me. seriously.

loosening the reins

also, my bloggy friend debbie has several articles in this month's issue. i really appreciate the way she is able to be open and honest with her feelings. she's cool like that.
the down syndrome look

you can read more of her at three weddings

have a happy friday!

our little gentleman

i always wonder if the things we teach our kids actually ever penetrate their little brains. things like: using good manners, thinking of other people besides themselves, being kind to others, etc. i mean, they don't really listen when we ask them to stop fighting, pick up their room, sit down and eat their dinner...so why would we expect them to listen when we teach them important life lessons?

not too long ago we were sitting in the kitchen eating supper together. mr. husband had made a delicous caesar salad as part of our meal. we were all just eating and visiting when i happened to look over and saw captain adventure starting to stand up. (we practically have to chain them to the chairs at meal times to get them to stay in their seats and eat, so i was immediately irritated...but, something made me hold my tongue to see what he was doing.) i heard him saying to grandma, "can i help you with that grandma jingly keys?" my heart melted. he had been watching her try to use the pepper mill so she could have pepper on her salad and because of her arthritis, she was having a hard time turning the mill. he saw her struggling, thought it through and offered his help. it was the most thoughtful act of good will i have ever seen come from his little body.

so, i guess they really are paying attention to us...listening to our words...paying attention to our actions...taking it all in. cool.

my story part 3

i know that i missed quite a bit of baby#2's baby-hood. i was in a funk. there are less pictures of him during that time. less journaling. to be completely honest, i don't remember a lot of his first year. that's why i rely on family to tell me stories and share their pictures with me. because i don't want him to ever think for even one second that i don't love him as much as i love his siblings. he is a blessing in so many ways. he is full of life (or, as my grandma would say, piss and vinegar). he sees adventure where others don't...in simple everyday events and outings. he sees the world with eyes full of amazement and wonder. he is captain adventure. read part 2


i started feeling overwhelmed in may and didn't ask for help until september, when i completely fell apart. (yeah, i'm a control freak...and i have a hard time asking for help when i need it. shhh!) i took another almost ten weeks off of work at that time...so i could put myself first for a while and learn how to cope.

after i went back to work, things were never the same there for me. there were people who always supported me. but, there were also people who didn't. it didn't take long for me to realize that where i worked was a place that was sucking my life and my spirit from me. the atmosphere was one of back-stabbers and people trying to keep themselves afloat...looking out for themselves and no one else.

anyway, i worked through the winter and tried to figure out what to do about working at a place where i didn't really want to be...a place i didn't believe in anymore. in early march, we found out that mr husband had earned a promotion with a substantial raise...we talked about it...and i quit. my intention was to stay home for that summer and start looking for a new job when the kids went back to school...

however, in june, when i found out i was pregnant again, plans changed. when i saw the positive pregnancy test, i wasn't sure how i'd tell mr husband...we'd been talking and he wasn't so sure he wanted to have more kids. the conversation went something like this...

mr husband: what would you say to moving to north carolina in february
(WHAT?!)

me: what would you say to having a baby in february?

mr. husband: well, once we move and get settled, we could talk about it.

me: um, no, that's not what i mean. what would you say to having a baby in
february

mr. husband: (silent. mouth open, eyes wide, look of utter shock)

me: i'm pregnant.

mr. husband: (smiles) really? how did this happen?

me: uh, what?

we were so excited! it wasn't exactly what you would call a planned pregnancy, but it certainly was not unwanted.

i was worried about post-partum depression again. looking back, i suppose that i did experience it again after baby #3...not anywhere near the extent of what i felt after baby #2...and it went away within a few weeks. so, in the end, i worried for nothing. just because i had a horrible experience after one baby, that doesn't mean i always will.

i'm happy to report that aside from the occasional feeling of being on the verge of a melt-down, i feel pretty good. i don't take anything anymore. that all stopped a while before i was pregnant again. i'm not the best patient in the universe...i think i know better than the doctors...

i don't have a history of being a good pill taker and when i'm feeling better i tend to stop taking the pills. that's always been a problem of mine. sometimes mental un-health can be a chronic condition...sometimes medication is needed forever. i suppose that i would do that if i had to. but, i'd probably fight it tooth and nail. i like to feel like i'm in control. and if i'm depending on something else, then i'm not in control. (i can rationalize anything...just ask.)

i like to be in control. sometimes that works out for me. sometimes not. it is what it is.

"the gift of worship"

i recently stumbled upon this on another blog , thepaynechatelaine, and it really spoke to how i have been feeling for a very long time. i have not been a regular attendee of church in quite a while. i could spend from now until a week from next friday talking about all of the reasons why i don't go to church, but i won't because they don't matter. while i was watching this video, i realized that all of my reasons weren't important because i was making a choice. i was making a choice to let all of my hang-ups get in the way of me worshiping. the songs, the ritualistic behaviors, the robotic feelings...none of that matters. what matters is what i do to worship God. what matters is what i feel in my heart about the Person that i am worshiping. it doesn't matter what i think about the songs or the way the message is presented. i need to stop being focused on how i feel during and after church and focus on worshiping and praising my loving God.

i have been very upset with myself for a long time because i believe it is my responsibility as a parent to provide our children with a place to worship...to teach them about God...to teach them how to pray and be good role models in the church family. we have always taught them about God...we read the Bible and Bible stories together, they went/go to a church-based preschool, they are all baptized, and once-in-a-while we take them to church. i want to get them and myself involved in our church again. this past weekend our baby was baptized...he's 15 months old a that was the first time he has ever been to church. that's a problem to me. i want to break the cycle. i need to get my head right and make a better choice.