thank you

to mr. husband in honor of father's day...


thank you every day for going to a job that tries to suck your soul and spirit out of your body.

thank you for not letting your job be who you are.

thank you for encouraging me to get away on your days off...even when i know you would really love to be the one who has down time.

thank you for calling to check on me and ask me how my day is going, almost every day.

thank you for making me mix tapes with songs that remind you of me and us...too cute and very romantic.

thank you for always encouraging me to try new things when we go to new places...and thank you for accepting that i'm not always brave enough to try them like you do.

thank you for being my friend.

thank you for working so hard for your family. our kids may not understand now, but they will.

thank you for being such an amazing dad...you find interesting and fun ways to engage our children...they love it and so do i.

thank you for always accepting me just as i am...you always have.

i hope you have a very happy father's day.

love,
mrs. wife

my story part 2 (post-partum depression)

i continued to have problems with anxiety and depression off and on during school. i took advantage of programs on campus...the student health center offered counseling (individual and group) and they had psychiatrists who could prescribe medicine. i muddled through and graduated from the school of nursing. looking back, i think that i literally muddled through...i did what i had to do to get by...in a different time, i could have done better. i wonder what i missed while i was treading water. read part 1

while i was home going to the regional campus, an old friend came back into my life. he and i had been friends for years, only to have a falling out towards the end of high school. he offered me his friendship when i needed it most. he did not understand the way i felt or the way i acted (for that matter, neither did i), but he realized that he didn't have to. he did not ask me for more than i was capable of giving. he accepted me as i was. he always has.

eventually, we started dating. over the few years that we dated, i continued to work my way through nursing school. he was there by my side helping me through every sleepless night...when my anxiety was at it's worst, he would drive 2 1/2 hours to spend a brief amount of time, only to have to drive back home for work later that night...he loved and supported me unconditionally. it was just that simple to him.

six months after i graduated from college, we were married. i continued to take the medicine that the doctors prescribed, but i never felt great. i continued to intermittently go to therapy, but i never felt like i knew i could. i still didn't feel like myself.

during the first few years after i began my nursing career, i had less than a handful of panic attacks...always at work...always when it was very stressful for everyone, including me.

then i became pregnant. although we were overjoyed with the news, it presented a few problems...for one, hormone overload + anxious/depressed woman = problem...not to mention that most anti-anxiety and depression medication is NOT approved for use in pregnant or breastfeeding women. so, after talking to my ob-gyn, i decided to quit taking my medicine. i tolerated the change surprisingly well. i had the occasional panic attack when my mind would wander...mostly about the baby and the pregnancy...but i was doing really well, so i thought.

then came baby. a few weeks after she was born, i experienced what i now know to be a mild case of post-partum depression. i think that's pretty normal to a degree...there's a lot of hormones coming and going piled onto an over-stressed woman who now has an extra human being to be responsible for. for lack of a better description, i worked through it.

so, things went well for the next few years. then baby #2 came along...

let me paint a picture...i was working nights (11p-7a) 4 nights a week. my husband was working weekends and was gone every friday through sunday each week. when baby #2 was born, i took around 12 weeks off for maternity leave. when i went back to work, we were short-staffed...somehow i ended up working both day shifts and night shifts each week. i was overworked at work. i was overworked at home. i wasn't sleeping. when i did sleep, it wasn't quality sleep or long enough. i put entirely too much pressure on myself to be the perfect wife, mother, etc. come hell or high water, i was going to breastfeed...even if that meant even less sleep for me. i completely sacrificed myself. this went on for almost 4 months. during that time, my husband went back to school full time and was working full time on the weekends. i was still working full time with day shifts and night shifts each week. we were in total chaos.

then, work asked me to take over a weekend spot while another girl was off for maternity leave. it was every saturday and sunday 7a-7p. i agreed. apparently, that was my breaking point.

i think i had worked maybe 2 weekends when i hit a brick wall. baby #2 was about six months old. i was stretched to my absolute limit. i decided to see a therapist that i had seen in the past...i had one session with her the day before my next shift. i cried when i started talking about how i had been feeling. i felt so out of control with my life. i was more than frustrated because i continually felt like i was failing...my husband, our kids, work, myself. i was sad, exhausted, over-worked...i didn't know if i was coming or going. i felt helpless and hopeless. what i really wanted to do was drive my car into a tree...not because i wanted to hurt myself, but because i wanted to stop feeling so crappy. anything would have been better than how i was feeling.

i went to work the next day and lost it. i had a patient who was being abnormally difficult. i was done. i could do no more. not one more thing. for whatever reason, that was the breaking point. i started crying. i didn't stop for 3 weeks. that was the darkest time of my life without a doubt.

i cried from the time i woke up until the time i went to bed. our poor 3 year old daughter had no clue what was going on. she was so upset that i was crying all day long every day. that only made me feel more guilty. i was a terrible mom. i couldn't handle my life. i couldn't get myself out of bed...how was i supposed to take care of my kids? nobody understood. hell, i didn't even understand what i was feeling. the littlest things would set me off...i was resentful towards baby #2 for needing me to breastfeed (something i had chosen whole-heartedly to do -- it wasn't HIS choice)...i felt like a prisoner to my kids, my husband, my house, my head...i was one of two extremes-- either sobbing uncontrollably, or raging. i was completely out of control. i knew it and i couldn't do anything about it. i knew it and i hated myself even more.

i have always been one to take care of other people. i felt so guilty for needing some attention and care. the guilt i was laying on myself just made me feel worse. it was a vicious cycle.

after a series of appointments with various doctors and mental health professionals, i was taken off work for a total of 10 or so more weeks. my husband had to quit school and get another job. we had to survive.

a nurse practitioner prescribed a new medication for me...something i had never taken before. it was an SSRI and a selective norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. she also gave me something for anxiety...and something to suppress the rage i felt. i was still breastfeeding at that point...breastfeeding was the only thing i still had control of...i did not willingly give it up. i wanted to wean him gradually. i felt guilty because i had to wean him so early...i wanted to be able to breastfeed him until he was a year old, like i had with his sister. but i finally realized that i just couldn't have it my way. i had constant chaos in my head. i was miserable. after i started taking the new medicine, i honestly started feeling better within a week. i was finally able to start to take care of myself. thank God i had my husband, my parents, my sisters, and friends to take care of our kids.

after a little while, i started getting out of bed each day with less and less effort. i took better care of myself. and eventually was able to take better care of our kids. i still don't know what we would have done if our family did not live in the same town as we do. what do people do when they have no help? we are so blessed!

my husband took me to many of my therapy appointments and all of my med-check appointments with the nurse practitioner. he did that in between cooking, cleaning, working two jobs, caring for the kids, and caring for me. where would i be without him? i am so blessed!

i know that i missed quite a bit of baby#2's baby-hood. i was in a funk. there are less pictures of him during that time. less journaling. to be completely honest, i don't remember a lot of his first year. that's why i rely on family to tell me stories and share their pictures with me. because i don't want him to ever think for even one second that i don't love him as much as i love his siblings. he is a blessing in so many ways. he is full of life (or, as my grandma would say, piss and vinegar). he sees adventure where others don't...in simple everyday events and outings. he sees the world with eyes full of amazement and wonder. he is captain adventure.

my heart is heavy

i don't even know where to start...

everyday my husband gets up and goes to a job where he treated like an easily traded commodity. he takes a disgusting amount of use and abuse by his new boss. he puts up with unfounded accusations. he tolerates his integrity and loyalty being questioned. he does these things because he has a wife and three kids and he loves us. to him, it's just that simple.

when i think of the past 4+ years and all of the personal sacrifices he and our family have made for this job, i am sad...and angry...and disgusted. because for all of his loyalty, all of the hours he puts in (80+/week), and all of the time he has sacrificed away from his family, he is repaid with despicable treatment.

my husband is a man of integrity. he is honest and forthright. he is loyal to a fault. and get this...he actually treats people how he would want to be treated. he is kind. he is genuine. if there's something he wouldn't say to a person's face, then he won't say it at all.

his blood sweat and tears have gone into that place...a place that repays him with personal attacks and slanderous statements. my heart is broken knowing what he goes through every day...not knowing if he'll still have a job at the end of each day. and it's too bad that the customers they serve are oblivious to what is going on. i wish they knew. if only they knew just how they were being bamboozled by the higher-ups, they'd be shocked. i hope that it all comes out someday. i'm sure it will. it always does.

just one reason among many

yesterday afternoon hubby came home from work early. he and a few guys from work are having a chili & salsa cook-off in a few days and he had deemed yesterday as the day to put it all together. but i digress...when he got home, he called the older two into the kitchen and explained what he needed to do and asked for their help. they were sooooo excited! they all wore chef hats and the kids helped hubby make everything. captain adventure would last for about half an hour then go play by himself for a while and come back. little mother hen hung in for the whole afternoon. she and hubby really had a nice time with each other just visiting and cooking. she even tasted the salsa and one of hot peppers. good for her!
this is just one of the many reasons that i love my husband. he took something that was so simple and made it an event for our kids. cool.

shift your focus

i think that on some days it is very easy for me to become caught up in my own little world. i mean, really, there are a lot of things going on around here...several major projects and also the day-to-day tasks...and it all requires planning, time, thought, and yes, unfortunately action. some days (like yesterday) i'm not sure that any of it will ever get done. yesterday i felt like i was chasing my tail. for every task that i completed, two more took it's place. truth be told, i had a pity party for myself that lasted for the better part of the afternoon. in fact, hubby made me a delicious margarita as my party beverage. he even went back out to the store to buy sweet & sour since the kind i bought tasted like toilets. when i told him not to bother, he looked me in the eye and said, "please, let me do this. i want to do this for you. i know you've been thinking about this all day." that is the moment i realized that i needed to change my attitude. while i was busy throwing a baby fit about all of the things that i ended up having to do that i hadn't planned on doing, he managed to keep all three kids fed, taken care of, safe, and occupied. he did his best. did i do mine?

i think i did my best in the morning...i had the day all planned out in my head...then came a phone call that threw a kink in my day. instead of meeting the task with my best foot forward, i started thinking about all of the other things that i had to do that i wouldn't be able to do because of the phone call. i got caught up in how i was being affected by things. but, guess what...it isn't about me. not at all. not even for one minute. i needed to look at the big picture instead of what was right in front of me. sometimes you have to shift your focus.